We Must Go On
As usually, this post starts out late at night. Unusually warm day for fall, laying down in the new underwear I bought, a decidedly homosexual piece. My clothes are piled up around the bed, the ones I’ve deemed worthy of bringing with me. There’s the shaver, toothbrush, what personal care items I think I can get away with snatching. There’s no pressure to make sure everything is accounted for, because it’s not like I’m never coming back. But once again, for about the fifth time in 2013, I am moving once again.
I think it’s sick of us.
It’s time to make our move,
I’m shaking off the rust.
I got my heart set on anywhere but here.
I’m staring down myself, counting up the years.
Steady hands, just take the wheel
Every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I lead.”
This year was hell. It was unfair, brutal, drove me past the edge. I was hopeless. It sucked, feeling so angsty and so old. I kept telling myself, “one break. That’s all you need, one break and you can start turning everything around. You can start over, start the way you wanted to after you finished school. Just hold on until someone gives you a chance. Please don’t quit, you’ve been through too much to quit.” But the worst part of it was it didn’t feel like it was ever gonna get better. My challenges and mistakes and problems kept stacking and escalating and everything just fell to pieces as I tried so hard not to follow suit. Failed job interviews, unanswered applications, dying relationships. It all got the best of me.
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way.
And all of the ghouls come out to play.
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn.”
Well, a month into my second job, and that second chance has come. The most amazing thing happened the other day. I went into my Sprint app and paid my phone with money I earned. I bought groceries for myself for the first time. I bought some frivolous things, I checked my statements, and there was still money in my account. A modest amount, a comfortable amount. I wanted to cry. It was honestly an amazing feeling. And to have money left over, to have more on the way, to feel like I can function again? It’s truly indescribable, the feeling I have from driving to the gym and not feeling guilty. Going out and not feeling like a waste of space. It was a long time coming, it was way overdue.
And whoever thought that was difficult?
My nerves start to feel so frayed.
I’ll try to turn things around but instead.
‘Why do I feel so invisible?’
Good things will come my way
I’ll try to turn things around and I wait
‘Til the day that I stop making big mistakes
And the clouds, they roll out of this whole damn state.
I believe in a place that I wanna go
Honesty will leave me feeling livable once I change.
Last week I packed up my meager existence and returned to the apartment in Berkeley. I’m picking up where I left off months ago. Anyone who’s put up with me recently knows of my disdain of returning to Vallejo, the feeling of failure and despair intimately intertwined with having to go back to my parent’s; almost as well as they know the ultimately volatile relationship I have with my immediate family. It was my literal last choice to return here, and I ached as I counted the days that I would get out once again. I don’t want to sound completely dickish; I’m unbelievably grateful for my family. Putting up with the problem child of the bunch is no small feat, and definitely not something anyone is readily able to manage. But I always knew things couldn’t function with me around. We’re constantly at each other’s throats. I’ve no sense of privacy here. There’s a million and one unwanted questions, unneeded criticisms. Our relationship was healing when I was living with Jayson, and I’m hoping it’ll start to heal again once I return to Berkeley as well. Plus, the freedom of independence is intoxicating, and I’m so ready to feel it again. And so far, it has not disappointed.
Keep singing the same song
Keep singing if you’re wrong
Oh God, and chins up
It’s all gonna clear up
There’s a place where we belong.
You see, this sky can’t be this grey forever just
Fill your head with something clever and
Clear your throat and scream into the fog.”
I stop and look at where I’m at right now, and I can honestly say that for the most part, I’m happy. It took a lot to get to this point, and I would’ve never reached this moment of peace and clarity without the love and support of the ones I call family. I say this to them a lot, and I will keep saying it as I look back into this past year. I wouldn’t have survived without you all. I owe this to you, as much as I have owed it to myself.
The whole wide world will come down on you.
We must go on.”